you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
