yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Randomize
