I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
