Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
