You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
