I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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