after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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