party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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