Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He felt like a one man threesome
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
