I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize