you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize