I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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