I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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