my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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