my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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