Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize