I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
