My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
