nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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