Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
