Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
