Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
