I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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