That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
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