your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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