Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
