if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
