she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
