There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
