Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
