I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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