If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
