I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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