Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize