Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
