why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
