what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
