I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Houston, we have a squirter
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
