Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
