Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
