Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
