Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Come see our sink grown plant.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Randomize