So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
