Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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