Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You know, be my cock's hype man.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Randomize
