So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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