Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize