Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
