dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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