I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
