im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
