My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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