Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
We left an ass print on the piano.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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