Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
