she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize