Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
