Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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