I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
