The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
