Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
